The return of the JD!!

There are several things that have truly erk’d the shit out of me this week. Namely:

• Shit weather. What the Jesus H. Christ is actually going on. It looks shit, but it’s warm.
• Illness.  Monday Evening, saw me vomit into my motorbike helmet. Not so much fun. It culminated in me throwing it away, and having to wear a pink one (Which makes me look like some giant phallus), because, until payday: I cant afford a new one.
• Work. Enough said.

All in all, i’ve had a shitty week. Nevertheless I will continue my war on the establishment and promote my version of anarchy in the UK!  Or some prissy watered down PC version….

Steve Irwin – Long Live the King!

I was deeply saddened by the news that was announced on Monday. A personal hero of mine has met an untimely demise.

 

I was quite shocked that it was a stingray that got him though, I was always under the impression that it would be because of a disgruntled group of Crock’s!

 

I think the only other time I was actually gutted about a hero of mine that I wanted to meet kicking the bucket, was when Hunter S Thompson killed himself.

 

I was actually, genuinely gutted though. It had been one of my life’s ambitions to meet the guy and try to wrestle him to the ground! Bugger eh?

 

So – in tribute – all this week I have donned my Steve Irwin costume (urging everyone I know to, too), got out my inflatable croc, went to the pub, pulled down my trousers and pants (whoa, sorry folks. Just had a Russell Brand moment there!) Drank pints of Castlemaine XXXX with my fellow Steve-o fans, and wrestled with the croc in the middle of the pub. Happy days eh! (I also did a H.S.T. Tribute too, but that involved too many drugs to actually remember how I did it! He he!)

 

Here’s to Steve-o. God.

Another of life’s questions answered

I can’t help but think what strange thing’s lye in wait for me. I’m bound to have a few nasty mishaps on the way. I’ve already been told that I’m expecting. I couldn’t imagine myself as a not so proud daddy. I am after all only 19! Far too young.

My auntie got me thinking the other day. She said “It’s about time you found someone to settle down with and start a family” to which i retorted something along the lines of “Fuck that! Women are for 3 Things. Using, Abusing, then loosing.”

I then got to thinking….. Could I have made a potentially HUGE mistake? I mean, I had a fairly attractive, demon in the sack of a girl that was willing to do everything for me; she did cooking, cleaning, ironing, THE LOT! And I repaid her kindness and loving by letting her catch me cheating on her! No, no. That’s not very nice. I agree. I wish I hadn’t. But then again – I AM ONLY 19!! I’ve still got a world of people that need some “JD Love,” and I don’t mean love in the romantic way. I mean it in the Led Zeppelin “Gona give you every inch of my love, Whoa, gotta whole lotta love” sort of way. Call me a bastard. I am. But FIERCELY proud of it!

This brings me to my next point.

Would I rather get a girl now, as a sort of investment, incase a better offer never comes along, or, do I carry on doing what I do best. That is to say: Chugging beer, drugs and spirits, and shagging about. I’m not usually one to worry about the future. So for now, I’ll just keep on keeping on!!

JD

I gone Be’ed A dirty Diggedy Dawg

I have done 2 things this week against my better judgment. 

Firstly I had “Intercourse” With a friend’s missus (He was well aware, and even encouraged it. Strangely. What a good friend eh!) 

Secondly, I had “intercourse” with my psychotic ex. Oh bloody bugger. I’m going to have weeks of headache after this one! Shit Shit Shit! 

I think the only responsible thing to do, would be to cut off my genitalia, and throw it to the wolves. Alternatively, I could just stop thinking with my pecker!! Either way; I’ve got to start being a good boy!

Ahhhh, To Be Me For The Day!

This may be the happiest I have been in 2 weeks. Honestly. I’m usually quite a nasty little sharp tongued little social reprobate, which uses women to the point that they have nervous breakdowns. But, the past weekend up until today I have been a friendly, charming, young man! I proceeded against my will to venture up to the
Lake District for a weekend of (and I quote) “Plenty of pubs, Plenty of scenery, Plenty of swinging.” I thought fuck it. I can go sit in someone else’s local all day and night. Might even rouse myself for some of that swinging!! However, we arrived half pissed on Friday night. Quite funny, because, we were even worse at reading maps than usual! Anyway, we got changed and ventured to the local town. A place called Penrith. A fairly quiet place, plenty of wine women and song etc. etc. I remember having about a further 6 or 7 pints then proceeding to stagger back to the campsite. We got back about 2:30 and decided it would be a brilliant idea to go cause some mayhem. We managed, somehow, to get to a quiet spot near the lake and start the torrents of loudness. Great. That’s about all I can remember. 

On being VERY BLOODY RUDELY woken up, I tried to stand, still fully clothed and low and behold I fell over, from what can only be described as a stabbing pain right through my leg. I stripped off and looked at it. It was black. Blacker than that new shade of black that is 25% blacker than ever before. Ouch! I screamed. yes, this one does, in fact, hurt in the morning. Anyway, the weekend carried on in a similar fashion. We bumped into a group of women that were the female equivalents us! YES!! I got a great sympathy shag because I kept harping on about my poorly leg! Ah nice one. I didn’t give her my number, so you can imagine the distain I felt when I got a message that read “hi jo you fancy meetn up smtme? had gud fn, wunt mnd doin agn. Nix” WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK! I barely understood it. What’s wrong with grammar and annunciation? I stick to the general rule, that anonymity is cheaper than contraception. I nearly punched my mate that was driving; I could tell by the way he was incessantly urinating himself that he’d done the deed. I did the right thing and thought with my phallus. Good boy…. 

So yesterday at work, I spent the day recuperating. Then my boss came back from holiday today! Thank God. He can now do his own work whilst I get back to my daily task of chatting shit and playing online games! 

Tootles

This fucking lebanon war!

Correct me if i’m wrong, but, essentially, the west are now criticising the east for something that we cheered for when we were on the offense in afghanistan! You know, country invading other country because a so called “terrorist” party is running the show and we don’t like it. It was the same with Sinn Fein. Let the fuckers get on with it themselves. My finishing abuttle: If america want to go off and bomb a country back to the stone age, they won’t give a fuck. most of the will think WOW!! AN UPGRADE!!

WANKER EMO’s

Bollocks!! I have, within the space of about 3 hours, joined and left a band. Now, I’m not the egomaniacal Ritchie Blackmoore type, BUT, to play in a band, you need to A) get on with them, B) Have similar musical interests and B) get smashed like the best of them. I know, it’s only rock ‘n’ roll, but I like it…. 

So, when I turn up for a band practice with my potential suitors, I firstly (having downed large quantities of whiskey, Talisker in fact) stumble towards the first guy that comes to meet me, joint in mouth. I got a weary “Hi, err, my names Tom.” “AHHH” I said, “And you must be Tom!” Trying to break the ice with comedy. He must have been thinking well duh! I then proceeded to throw down my guitar and extend a huge (manly) embrace. I think i might have broken some of his fingers on that one…..

I don’t think this was the sort of Rock ‘n’ Roll band I’d like to be in. I mean, they don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t speak, definitely don’t make absolutely ridiculously corny jokes from Spinal Tap, but most pertweebingly, don’t play their instruments well!!  

Let’s see, we had Tom singing, pauly on bass, spaghetti legs the drummer and me. They looked the very macabre sort, all dark and EMO like (for the record here, I’ll point out, I’m not an EMO, never have been an EMO, and never will be an EMO. Here’s why: EMO’s by proxy are all a bunch of bisexual, “emotional” punks. My definition of a punk is a hardcore nutter with green hair. Call me old fashioned…). By this time, I was drunk, stoned and very aware that any one of them may try to massage my back passage with their sausage. It didn’t bode well. “Let’s get this show on the road” I vaguely slurred. “Right, what shall we play?” followed it. Now at this point, I had a gaping hole where my mouth should have been shut (At least I was sat on my amp. Foiled the fuckers!!!). Some absolutely DREADFULL death metal style drumming, a way overstated, over the top, downright poor bass line started making noises at me. And to top it: some high pitched screaming. I proceeded to offer to remove the clamp on this guy’s bollocks, to which I received a wry smile. I then had the thought, that, I could maybe try to get this band to play my sort of music because, well, IT’S BETTER!! When asked “Do you know any ZEP dude? I got a look of distain, that only a worried mother would give a child! I nearly punched the little shit! So I tried: “how ‘bout some Doors?” They settled with some Sabbath, some White Stripes, even a bit of Razorlight (thank dear sweet Jebus) so, I did my stuff, showed them what a guitar solo should sound like etc… 

I could not believe the look’s on their faces when I started playing Song For George (which, by and by, is possibly the best acoustic Guitar song ever. Check it out, it’s by Eric Johnson)! How dare they turn their faces into what can only be described as slapped arses!! I said I’d be in touch…   After all the commotion, I just went home, drank more whiskey, then woke up and wrote this blog.  I ABSOLUTELY DESPISE FUCKING TOSSER EMO’S. WHO DECIDED THEY WERE GOOD ENOUGH TO HAVE A GENRE NAMED AFTER THEM ANYWAY!!!!!

Happy Bunnies

Isn't being pissed off a wonderous thing!? Like at the moment, I'm stuck in a God forsaken hell hole, with about 1500 people that are, by large, a bunch of conniving, back-stabbing tossers. But then, just when I thought life couldn't get any worse – Bam – I get kicked off the horse, and then kicked to bloody death by all its horsy friends. You may have guessed, but I am by no means a "Happy Bunny." That is to say, 1) I’m not pleased with the world, and 2) I’m now making comparisons between myself and a grotesque, cretinous vermin that people, for some God unknown reason, imagine is as jolly as a fat man. Which draws me to the question “Are Bunnies Actually Happy??" My initial thought is yes. What with 1) All the sex they want 24/7! 2) No paying "Household contributions", 3) having kids, and then kicking them the fuck out ASAP! 4) Food on demand, everywhere they look. 5) Not really much danger of anything too bad happening. On the flip side we have – 1) Mixomatosis. Pretty nasty. 2) Danger of losing the fight with any sort of automated transport. 3) Constant fear of predators i.e. mad farmers, big birds and other carnivorous animals. 4) Presumably, there'll be some kind of bunny STI and STD's going around (mixomatosis is probably quite like AIDS in the way it slowly kills them (whose bright idea was it to unleash a deadly Virus into the wild anyway!). Lastly 5) all that bunny sex can't be good for one's heart!

Jeans

Would it be actually impossible to make a pair of jeans that actually cleaned themselves? I mean for god's sake, what with modern technology boffins finding cures and inventing stupid gadgets for everything other than the one need i have! Would I be wrong in thinking that they've Probably got the resources and knowledge to mass produce a material (preferably of denim origin) that is actually cleaned by everyday wear and tear? I feel some kind of patent coming on!

Its Official!! I LOVE FAMILY GUY!

I think my favourite program EVER has to be family guy. I love it. In fact more than that. I FUCKING love it!

 Here have a quote.

You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence … gotta get me some of that.